Band Aids Don't Fix Everything

Why can't my heart ever be whole?

My Husband informed me today that there is no way we can afford to go home for Christmas. I think I may have died a little inside after hearing that. WE are not a couple who likes to ask for help and I know that I do not look forward to asking. He did say that he could send me home (alone) to see the Families but I don't think that will feel the same. I just want the ability to have everyone I love in one location.

I want to spend the holidays with Christopher because one day I know he will be on a deployment and I will have limited communications. I am trying to take advantage of this special gift. But a part of me really wants to see our families too. I am missing my Niece and nephews growing up, I am missing my mommy and daddy and my sister. Even as I sit here typing I break into tears thinking about how much I miss my family.

I also miss the love I feel when I am with my In laws. They are just as amazing as my own family. I feel just a welcome with them and I know that they love me. My sister in law is more of a blood sister to me now than ever before. She is amazing, her spirit keeps me strong knowing that She is a part of my life.

I wish there was a way that my heart could be whole again. Will it ever be whole again? I know that it continues to grow stronger but I never feel whole. Part of me is always missing. If I am with the Family, I will usually always be without my husband and if I am with my Husband I know that I am without our family. My heart is divided, between Georgia and California, and I don't have a strong enough band aid to keep it together. I am a person who loves to be in personal contact with the people I love and it just gets so hard to keep in touch when on separate by an entire country.

Well I guess that is it for now, I hope I cheer up soon. My emotions are all over my face and Christopher is picking up on to the pain I am feeling. Till Next time...

Trent, Ansley, William, and myself